Hello, how are you? A little bit about me.
I'm a conceptual creative, but I love the craft of writing too, in case reading the words I have oh-so-casually thrown across this paragraph haven't made you cry silent tears at uncovering a literary genius.
I want to create things that are so mindblowing, the world will be all like "wow, did you see that shit". Piers Morgan's potato head will explode. The Queen will knight me.
By the end of this page, one of two things will happen.
You'll feel like a homeless man just tongued you in the ear, or you'll feel like you've finally found your soul mate.
In both instances, please email me.
Rare photo where I look normal.
You should however, dress for the job you want. So when my friend invited me to their fancy dress party, I came as 'Minger the Merciless'.
I do still life paintings. This one is called 'banana'. It works on so many fucking levels.
My poster for a legend...
Mark Denton was giving a talk at our agency and set us a competition to do a poster. He chose mine!
I still mourn the death of this script.
I did some stop motion animation. It's about where avatars go in 'life after game'.
It's got nothing to do with the film Avatar, which was shit. Then again, so is this.
I once sent unsolicited paintings to agencies in LA. This is one of them.
Anal bleach Mike Tyson
The knife game, on meth. With a spoon
Eat slugs out of a bucket
Stick splinters under my toenails
Dance to Crunkcore for 48 hours
Punch a grizzly bear in the face
Get trapped in a lift with a psychopath
Spend a month in a diving bell eating just sprouts
Pull all my nostril hairs out with pliers
Swim in a shark tank while stabbed
Massage Nigel Farage naked
Use wasabi paste as butt cream
Fuck a porcupine
Go to an Enya concert
Cheese grate some of my fingers off
Jump into an active volcano
Become a truck stop prostitute
Join an amateur curling team
Swap spit with a biker
Fall out of a cable car
Be branded, literally, as a Belieber
Eat an entire window pane
Fall into a pit full of punji sticks while dressed as a Geisha girl
Be slowly eaten by a badger
Attend the Printer Technician Awards night
Jump on a trampoline made of barbed wire
Have my mouth taped to a glory hole
Drink a bottle of 2 week old tramp piss
Fly a kite in a thunderstorm while wrapped in tinfoil
Listen to a live recording of octogenarians having a threesome
Wax a silverback gorilla’s testicles
Hit myself in the knee with a hammer
Wear Donald Trump’s hair for a week
Wrestle with militant mexican lesbians
Let an extremely long-sighted dentist drill the shit out of my teeth
Light my testicle hair with a blowtorch
Stab out a cigarette on the forehead of the youngest daughter of a notorious Cartel boss
Get noshed off by a rottweiler
Join a Christian Rock band
Get a butterfly tattoo just above my arse
Perform open heart surgery on a moose
Spend 14 hours locked in a festival portaloo with an incontinent sumo wrestler
Get tasered by a sadist
Eat a bag of dicks
Go on tour with a college acapella group
Be locked in an industrial tumble dryer
Get tarred and feathered live on TV
Live in Hull