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Hello, how are you? A little bit about me.

I'm a conceptual creative, but I love the craft of writing too, in case reading the words I have oh-so-casually thrown across this paragraph haven't made you cry silent tears at uncovering a literary genius.

I want to create things that are so mindblowing, the world will be all like "wow, did you see that shit". Piers Morgan's potato head will explode. The Queen will knight me.

By the end of this page, one of two things will happen.

You'll feel like a homeless man just tongued you in the ear, or you'll feel like you've finally found your soul mate.

In both instances, please email me.


 

Rare photo where I look normal.

 

 

 

 

You should however, dress for the job you want. So when my friend invited me to their fancy dress party, I came as 'Minger the Merciless'.

 

 

 

 

 

banana

 

I do still life paintings. This one is called 'banana'. It works on so many fucking levels.

 

 

 

 

 

My poster for a legend...

 

banana

 

Mark Denton was giving a talk at our agency and set us a competition to do a poster. He chose mine!

 

 

 

 

 

 

I still mourn the death of this script.

 

radio

 

 

 

 

I did some stop motion animation. It's about where avatars go in 'life after game'.

It's got nothing to do with the film Avatar, which was shit. Then again, so is this.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I once sent unsolicited paintings to agencies in LA. This is one of them.

 

cd_spam

 

 

 

 

 

 

banners_are_cool

 

  • Anal bleach Mike Tyson
  • The knife game, on meth. With a spoon
  • Eat slugs out of a bucket
  • Lick a hairy old man’s back
  • Dance to Crunkcore for 48 hours
  • Punch a grizzly bear in the face
  • Get trapped in a lift with a psychopath
  • Spend a month in a diving bell eating just sprouts
  • Pull all my nostril hairs out with pliers
  • Swim in a shark tank while stabbed
  • Massage Nigel Farage naked
  • Use wasabi paste as butt cream
  • Fuck a porcupine
  • Go to an Enya concert
  • Cheese grate some of my fingers off
  • Jump into an active volcano
  • Become a truck stop prostitute
  • Join an amateur curling team
  • Swap spit with a biker
  • Fall out of a cable car
  • Be branded, literally, as a Belieber
  • Eat an entire window pane
  • Fall into a pit full of punji sticks while dressed as a Geisha girl
  • Piers Morgan
  • Be slowly eaten by a badger
  • Attend the Printer Technician Awards night
  • Jump on a trampoline made of barbed wire
  • Have my mouth taped to a glory hole
  • Drink a bottle of 2 week old tramp piss
  • Fly a kite in a thunderstorm while wrapped in tinfoil
  • Listen to a live recording of octogenarians having a threesome
  • Wax a silverback gorilla’s testicles
  • Hit myself in the knee with a hammer
  • Wear Donald Trump’s hair for a week
  • Wrestle with militant mexican lesbians
  • Let an extremely long-sighted dentist drill the shit out of my teeth
  • Light my testicle hair with a blowtorch
  • Stab out a cigarette on the forehead of a notorious Cartel boss’s young daughter
  • Get noshed off by a rottweiler
  • Join a Christian Rock band
  • Get a butterfly tattoo just above my arse
  • Wear Crocs
  • Perform open heart surgery on a moose
  • Spend 14 hours locked in a festival portaloo with an incontinent sumo wrestler
  • Get tasered by a sadist
  • Eat a bag of dicks
  • Go on tour with a college acapella group
  • Be locked in an industrial tumble dryer
  • Get tarred and feathered live on TV
  • Live in Hull